You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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