i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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