yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
