he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
