The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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