She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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