the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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