It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
