Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
