remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
