i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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