Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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