Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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