fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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