He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
