I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
