My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My dad just said "fuck circus"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
