I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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