I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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