I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
