Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
