Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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