I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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