Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
