I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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