Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
