You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
