If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
