My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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