my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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