is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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