I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
