My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
honey bunches of taint.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
