my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Threesome in a minivan. New low
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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