I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
