Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
