Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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