So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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