You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
