Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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