Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
