..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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