My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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