I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
