wrigley field is MILF paradise
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
