So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Randomize
