my mouth tastes like poor choices
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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