My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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