Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
