I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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