We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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