guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
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The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
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If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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