I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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