The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
