His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my mouth tastes like poor choices
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
