I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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