3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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