he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
it's like heaven, but drunker
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
