omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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