What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
